I have recently made a decision to stop trying to be my own God in a certain aspect of my life. The past 5 years of life has been...exhausting. There have been great things that happened within that 5 years but, when I think about it, exhausting to say the least. I've been trying to control this whole situation, whether I want to admit it all the time or not. I have been giving about 75% of my heart and calling it good enough for God and gripping the other 25% for dear life. Gripping it so hard that, I have been an idolater, running to this relationship, controlling it, putting it before God and our relationship. I haven't been trusting God with every fiber of my being and surrendering my life to Him or carrying my cross. As time has passed and God has matured me in Him, this problem has become not just a problem but sin, habitual sin. I am sick, I am exhausted, I am disgusted by anything that related with this past relationship, the closer God pulls me to Him. And for that I am thankful. For five years, God has been trying to get me to this place I am now. Could this whole process been shorter? Yes. How I've done this for 5 years, I give only credit to me and my selfishness and rebellion. I've come to this point because I am now seeing that I CANNOT do this alone. I can't even scrape the surface of killing this by myself; believe me I've tried. Huh. And yet that was still me trying to control this and be my own God. Every time that I failed, God was still there trying and revealing new things to me. I am ridiculously, thankful for God's jealously for God's discipline for my life. It's taken me quite sometime to get here, and I'm sure God is like "Finally, child". I can say that I know in my heart and in my mind that I know how unfailing God's love is. When I think about how many times I've turned away and ignored Him, or said "No, I'm gonna do it my way." As much as I did that He showed me His love, amplified a trillion times more, and still calls me His daughter, and still works in my heart, still protects me like my Father. This process, I know is going to be a hard one, it is a hard one. But do I want Jesus and all His goodness He offers me or do I want this worldly relationship that exhausts that heck out me? When I think about this relationship, compared to Jesus, It means absolutely NOTHING. It looks, ridiculous and stupid really, compared to Jesus. Jesus died for me to live my life like this? Yeah, I does bring a lot of shame. Do I want to surrender and live in eternity with God or do I want to hold on to this and be miserable? I've got a lot of things going on here idolatry, pride, distrust, co-dependancy...I am sick with sin! And ALL of it is beyond me and not bigger than God that saves and loves me, the God that is sovereign over ALL things. I am thankful that I can look toward the cross and know, that there is where my sins are done away with, that there is someone that loves me more than anyone on this earth or that I can imagine, and I can receive grace and mercy all the days of my life with Him.
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You're beautiful, you're beautiful
When we arrive at eternity's shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful, You're beautiful"
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