With Everything

To deny the great doctrine of atonement by the blood of Jesus Christ is to hamstring the gospel, and to cut the throat of Christianity.-Charles Spurgeon

What does it look like?

"For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption..." 1 Corinthians 1:3-8


For me to give up my life for Christ's sake and the sake of the Gospel?

Today it looked like:
Letting go of everything I knew, completely.
Idolatry. Distrust in God. Pride. Co-Dependency on man.
Hurting, really bad, for the moment.
Still imagining the perfect plans God may have for my life.
Finding that my hope is where it needs to be.
Giving up control, despite my feelings.
Knowing that God is greater than this and my pain.


"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:3-8

Well you don't say?

Today during and after Free Lunch, it made my heart so happy to see what kind of desire God has put in the leader's hearts for Him. To serve each other and glorify Him. The way everything flowed. We were actually being leaders. It was beautiful. Serving=leading.

I love The Office, I just started season 6. Starting with Season 1 about...I'd say 2 months ago.

I have the most AMAZING church family.

I love love love love love the friends I do life with.

I've missed my mom, I haven't talked/seen her since Labor day. We talked for about four and a half hours today.



God, gave me strumming skills within a weekend. Yep. All Him.

I currently feel like dropping out of school just to worship all day.

I know this is a ways down but the thought of being the greatest wife and mother God has planned for me to be excites the heck out of me every time.

I am in need of a bubble tea...at least every week.(Right now being a time)

I wish that I could take a trip all around the US to stop by and visit everyone that I miss immensely.

Here it is.

I have not written in a very long time, I'm not going to backtrack to when I last wrote. I'm just going to say what's on my heart, now.

I have recently made a decision to stop trying to be my own God in a certain aspect of my life. The past 5 years of life has been...exhausting. There have been great things that happened within that 5 years but, when I think about it, exhausting to say the least. I've been trying to control this whole situation, whether I want to admit it all the time or not. I have been giving about 75% of my heart and calling it good enough for God and gripping the other 25% for dear life. Gripping it so hard that, I have been an idolater, running to this relationship, controlling it, putting it before God and our relationship. I haven't been trusting God with every fiber of my being and surrendering my life to Him or carrying my cross. As time has passed and God has matured me in Him, this problem has become not just a problem but sin, habitual sin. I am sick, I am exhausted, I am disgusted by anything that related with this past relationship, the closer God pulls me to Him. And for that I am thankful. For five years, God has been trying to get me to this place I am now. Could this whole process been shorter? Yes. How I've done this for 5 years, I give only credit to me and my selfishness and rebellion. I've come to this point because I am now seeing that I CANNOT do this alone. I can't even scrape the surface of killing this by myself; believe me I've tried. Huh. And yet that was still me trying to control this and be my own God. Every time that I failed, God was still there trying and revealing new things to me. I am ridiculously, thankful for God's jealously for God's discipline for my life. It's taken me quite sometime to get here, and I'm sure God is like "Finally, child". I can say that I know in my heart and in my mind that I know how unfailing God's love is. When I think about how many times I've turned away and ignored Him, or said "No, I'm gonna do it my way." As much as I did that He showed me His love, amplified a trillion times more, and still calls me His daughter, and still works in my heart, still protects me like my Father. This process, I know is going to be a hard one, it is a hard one. But do I want Jesus and all His goodness He offers me or do I want this worldly relationship that exhausts that heck out me? When I think about this relationship, compared to Jesus, It means absolutely NOTHING. It looks, ridiculous and stupid really, compared to Jesus. Jesus died for me to live my life like this? Yeah, I does bring a lot of shame. Do I want to surrender and live in eternity with God or do I want to hold on to this and be miserable? I've got a lot of things going on here idolatry, pride, distrust, co-dependancy...I am sick with sin! And ALL of it is beyond me and not bigger than God that saves and loves me, the God that is sovereign over ALL things. I am thankful that I can look toward the cross and know, that there is where my sins are done away with, that there is someone that loves me more than anyone on this earth or that I can imagine, and I can receive grace and mercy all the days of my life with Him.

"I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You're beautiful, you're beautiful


(Right after I publicly proclaimed my stand for Him)

When we arrive at eternity's shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful, You're beautiful"

The weight of it.

So, I'm reading this book, and I got to a part that I had put somethings on my heart and if you don't end up reading this book, why would I not want to share it? Why would I not need to share it? It doesn't need an introduction just read it.

"The face that Moses had begged to see-was forbidden to see-was slapped bloody (Exodus 33:19-20). The thorns that God had sent to curse the earth's rebellion now twisted around his own brow...
"On your back with you!" One raises a mallet to sink in the spike. But the soldier's hear must continue pumping as he readies the prisoner's wrist. Someone must sustain the soldier's life minute by minute, for no man has this power on his own. Who supplies breath to his lungs? Who gives energy to his cells? Who holds his molecules together? Only by the Son do "all things hold together" (Colossians 1:17). The victim wills that the soldier live on-he grants the warriors continued existence. The man swings.

As the man swings, the Son recalls how he and the Father first designed the medial nerve of the human forearm-the sensations it would be capable of. The design proves flawless-the nerves perform exquisitely. "Up you go!" They lift the cross. God is on display in his underwear and can scarcely breathe.

But these pains are a mere warm-up to his other and growing dread. He begins to feel a foreign sensation. Somewhere during the day an unearthly foul odor began to waft, not around his nose, but his heart. He feels dirty. Human wickedness starts to crawls upon his spotless being-the living excrement from our souls. The apple of his Father's eye turns brown with rot.

His Father! He must face his Father like this!
From heaven the Father now rouses himself like a lion disturbed, shakes his mane, and roars against the shriveling remnant of a man hanging on a cross. Never has the Son seen the Father look at him so, never felt even the least of his hot breath. But the roar shakes the unseen world and darkens the visible sky. The Son does not recognize these eyes.

"Son of Man! Why have you behaved so? You have cheated, lusted, stolen, gossiped-murdered, envied, hated, lied. You have cursed, robbed, overspent, overeaten-fornicated, disobeyed, embezzled, and blasphemed. Oh, the duties you have shirked, the children you have abandoned! Who has ever so ignored the poor, so played the coward, so belittled my name? Have you ever held your razor tongue? What a self-righteous, pitiful drunk-you, who molest young boys, peddle killer drugs, travel in cliques, and mock your parents. Who gave you the boldness to rig elections, foment revolutions, torture animal, and worship demons? Does this list never end! Splitting families, raping virgins, acting smugly, playing the pimp-buying politicians, practicing terrorist tactics, founded false religions, traded slaves-relishing each morsel and bragging about it all. I hate, loathe these things in you! Disgust for everything about you consumes me! "Can you not feel my wrath?"

Of course the Son is innocent. He is blamelessness itself. The Father knows this. But the divine pair have an agreement, an the unthinkable must now take place. Jesus will be treated as if personally responsible for every sin ever committed.

The Father watches as his heart's treasure, the mirror image of himself, sinks drowning into raw, liquid sin. Jehovah's stored rage against humankind from every century explodes in a single direction.

"Father! Father! Why have you forsaken me?!"
But heaven stops its ears. The Son stares up at the One who cannot, who will not, reach down or reply.

The trinity had planned it. The Son endured it. The Spirit enabled him. The Father rejected the Son whom he loved. Jesus, the God-man from Nazareth, perished. The Father accepted his sacrifice for sin and was satisfied. The Rescue was accomplished"

Source from: Joshua Harris, "Boy Meets Girl Say Hello to Courtship" (who took from) Joni Eareckson Tada and Steven Estes, "When God Weeps" 52-54